the process of becoming not me

This is the story of my journey from who I was, to who I am, to who I am becoming. It is the story of how God is weaving together my life, heart, and circumstances to make me something different altogether.

It is the process of becoming not me...



Monday, October 4, 2010

picking weeds

I had great intentions for blogging all the time, at least weekly was my original goal. I still have ideas that run through my head almost relentlessly and yet I struggle to find the time to sit and document how the past and current is being shaped into the story God is writing on my heart…and how it’s forming me into something different. Maybe someday I will be able to streamline my life in such a way that I can blog more consistently, but with my tendency to immerse myself in life and loose myself in projects, it’s just not likely…sorry! With that said, here we go…


One evening in the middle of this past summer, I found myself in the backyard with my husband, two year old son, and three dogs. It wasn’t an unusual setting or situation for our family. Danny decided that he would grill for dinner that evening, something he does regularly. (I’m a lucky woman whose husband likes to cook and almost daily takes dinner on as his service to our family. It really is a blessing.) Matthew enjoys playing and just being outside more than any child I’ve ever been around. Needless to say, we spend hours a day outside regardless of the temperature or weather.


Circumstantially, this evening was not particularly unique or special and yet I learned or noticed something about myself that evening. Perhaps I’ve known it or recognized it all along but the reality of it was thrown in my face that evening in a way I had previously ignored…


So here’s the setting:


My husband is over by the grill graciously preparing our dinner for the evening and intermittently carrying on a conversation with our son. Our 2 year old son is running around in the “good” grass, climbing on his playground, singing worshipful songs (Mighty to Save, Oh How He Love Us) and pointing out the beauty of everything around him (dragon flies, clouds, butterflies, flowers, trees, birds, on and on and on). My dogs are resting next to each other in the shade of our pecan trees. The sun is reaching that glorious spot where it’s still bright but paints the canvas of the sky with colors that words are inadequate to describe.


And me? Where could I be found in this picturesque family scene?


Picking weeds.


I didn’t go out there to pick weeds. It certainly wasn’t on my list of things to get done. I’m not an “obsessive” gardener by any stretch of the imagination. It’s actually a triumph if I remember to water the yard. So, why was I picking weeds? I went out there to converse with my husband, play with my son, love on my dogs and enjoy the world God has seen fit to place me in, but I found myself inexplicably distracted by the weeds. In that scene on that day, I missed the beauty of it all because my eyes, mind and energy were instantly drawn to the weeds…and then my son called me out.


“Mommy, don’t pull weeds. Come be with me.” He innocently remarked, completely unaware that God would use those simple words to pierce my very heart. I looked down at the weeds filling my hands and God spoke into my soul the truth of who I am.


It was as if in that instance He said, “Stephanie, you always see the weeds.”


On that day and in that moment, I had to come face to face with the reality that I’m not just distracted by the regular things that have to get done for everyday life to go smoothly. When surrounded by blessings unfathomable, I fixate and obsess on the inconsequential flaws. As a result, I frequently miss not only that which is best, but I fear I often fail to be aware of the very presence and movement of God around me.


Ouch!


So, I dropped those weeds and ran towards my son to embrace him. After a good hug, we sat side by side on the swings and talked and laughed and sang. I called for the dogs to come near so I could pet them. I gazed on Danny with deep heartfelt appreciation. I breathed in anew the presence and favor of the Father. I marveled once again at His creative majesty…and I repented for all the things I had missed because I was too busy “picking weeds.”


I’d love to say that from that evening on, I have been 100% focused and aware of the movement of God. I can’t. I still find myself drawn to “pick weeds,” but I’m mindful and repentant of it now in a way I never was before that night.


In the process of becoming not me, I must continuously let go of those things that distract me and choose that which is best so that I might delight in His presence and live my life in a way that draws others to the ONE who is best…