The start of it all...At age 21, I had pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in my lungs) and was later diagnosed with an incurable, rare kidney disease. It was treated, disappeared, returned, treated, disappeared and then returned again all over a span of 2 years. Then I met "Doc Hollywood", a young doctor who decided in 2001 that we should try something else and see if we could make the remissions last a bit longer...and it has not returned since. 12 years in remission on a prescription drug with virtually no side effects is truly a MIRACLE!
but it was just the beginning of a trail of health dots...
- Dot #1 - 10 years ago (at age 25), I got an ear infection that seemed to muffle my hearing. After ignoring it for years and suffering over 50% in hearing loss, I finally had a stapedectomy on both ears in 2009. My hearing was restored to 90%!!! Truly another MIRACLE
- Dot #2 - About 6 years ago, I got into "something" while working in the backyard and had some sort of allergic skin reaction. The doctor put me on some steroids and the grossness quickly cleared up. A year or so later, I noticed a colorless spot on my hand but soon there were other colorless spots. It reminded me of Michael Jackson's skin disease, officially named Vitiligo, but still referred to as the "Michael Jackson's" at our house. A little google research led me to realize that this too (like my kidney disease) was an auto immune disease.
- Dot #3 - Almost 4 years ago, I was diagnosed as suffering from hypothyroid syndrome. After further tests, it was discovered that I had Hashimoto's Hypothyroid disease, which of course occurs with the immune system inexplicably attacks the thyroid gland, inevitably burning it out and rendering it useless.
Dot #4 - Probably 10 years ago, around the same time as my ear infection, I noticed that I started being incredibly sensitive to eating hot and cold foods. I didn't have dental insurance at the time and had never had any oral problems so I dismissed this and just became obsessive about the amount I brushed and flossed. I literally began to brush and floss 3, 4, sometimes even 5 times a day. That's what your supposed to do anyways, right? Keep it clean and everything will be fine. I assured myself this was no big issue. After all in my mind at the time, my kidneys were the focus of all my health efforts and they had been in remission for 3 years.
Years passed and I noticed that my gums had receded a little in a few areas but they didn't bother me so I didn't think anything of it. I just kept on brushing and flossing religiously, assuring myself that would be sufficient. I STILL didn't have dental insurance and I didn't have the time or money to waste on what I deemed a cosmetic issue.
The year I stopped teaching and started consulting, I heard of a program at our local community college where students in the dental hygienist program will do check-ups, x-rays, etc for almost nothing. It's time consuming because they are learning and have to practice everything on you over a series of several visits, but I had the time now to do it and it seemed like a good solution since I hadn't been to a dentist in about 7 years. So I signed up and made an appointment.
The appointment was going well at first. We went over the general health history and my general dental history. She moved on to take some x-rays and then probe for gum depth. She was cruising right along when all of a sudden her probe slipped down fairly low into my gums. She pulled it out and did it again. It slipped low again. She called over her professor who repeated the work she had done except this time, the probe fell low into my gums every time she took a measurement. She did my whole mouth and it fell low pretty much everywhere. I don't remember ever having a dentist or dental hygienist explain why or what they were doing when they probed so I wasn't really concerned until...
The professor sat me up and asked me if anyone had ever discussed periodontal disease with me. I told her no, that I had never had any issues. She explained that my gums look incredibly healthy from an initial glance and that initially the readings were 1's and 2's because the dental hygienist was looking at healthy teeth and healthy gums and just kind of assuming all was well. When the probe sunk low, it surprised her because she wasn't anticipating gum disease but when she went back and re-measured, she discovered that I had unexplained gum disease pretty much throughout my entire mouth. The probe depth indicated that I had some unexplained gum separation leading to bone loss but that my teeth were remarkably plaque free (which is usually the source of gum issues). She went on to tell me that there wasn't a periodontist in the area that she would recommend and that periodontal work was incredibly expensive and in reality, there wasn't really anything they could do to help me since there didn't seem to be a source causing the issue. She said I could look for a periodontist in a larger city nearby but that I should really just wait it out and continue on with good dental practices, brushing and flossing.
I certainly didn't have the money to blow on a periodontist, especially if it wasn't going to result in anything...so I just waited.
Over the next several years, I watched as my gums seemed to recede further and further. I continued my ridiculous flossing and brushing routine, even brushing "too hard" I would later find out. I kept my mouth ridiculously clean but it didn't seem to matter. Cold food/drink bothered me more than ever and the gums continued their downward descent. I didn't really want to go to a dentist because I was embarrassed and felt helpless so I didn't.
Just over 2 years ago, I finally decided that going to the dentist was no longer an option. I made my appointment and prepared myself to go. Surely I could handle this. After all, by this time I had handled blood clots, a kidney disease, hearing loss, surgery to repair hearing loss, vitiligo and a thyroid disease. This was nothing, right?
Wrong!
The dentist I went to was a family friend. He took x-rays and did the probing and immediately referred me to a periodontist. He told me that in his 40+ years as a dentist, he had never seen anything quite like this. I had no signs of plaque or tarter and yet severe bone loss. I left his office and began to cry. I sat in my car for probably 30 minutes before driving home and telling my husband. I was literally devastated. All I could think was that I didn't want to lose my teeth...and I blamed myself for not going to a dentist all those years.
When I got home, I did what I had always done...I googled periodontitis. Man was that a BAD idea! I cried over and over and over. The pictures, the prognosis, the treatment...ALL of it was horrible.
But I put on my big girl face and went to the periodontist the next day. As soon as I sat down in the exam chair, the dental hygienist asked me what was going on and I BROKE DOWN. I skipped the soft silent cry and went straight to the ugly kind. She was sweet and gracious and calmed me down enough for x-rays. Then the dentist walked in and asked me what was going on and I BROKE DOWN. Of course, I went straight to the ugly cry.
He was beyond gracious...He was peace-giving. He reassured me that although a dentist would have caught it sooner if I had been faithful to go for my check-ups, there was not a dentist on earth that could have predicted or prevented this. The degree of bone loss was so significant and pervasive that I would have had to basically not brush my teeth at all for 70 years in order to achieve this. He knew that wasn't the case because there was no plaque or tarter build up so seemingly no cause for such loss. His concern was that medicines that I had taken at some point for one of my other health issues had caused bone loss and insisted that I request a bone density scan of my entire body just in case. He also told me that I was not without hope or options. Because of my age and the severity of my loss, he wanted time to research and consult with other periodontists in order to formulate a plan and give me a chance to get a bone scan.
A week later, Danny and I returned to his office for a consultation. The first thing he wanted to know about was the bone density scan. It had come back normal. Since that was the case, he gave me a name for it "Severe and Acute Pervasive Pediatric Periodontitis". (Say that 10 times quickly!) He and his colleagues had also determined that the source had to be autoimmune...big surprise there!
This is where it came together though...in the words of a periodontist!
"When most people have some sort of minor inflammation or infection in their gum line, their immune system targets that one area like a sharpshooter, taking out the "offender" and leaving the rest of the tissue alone. Instead of sending a sharpshooter, your immune system responded to a meaningless infection by setting off an atomic bomb, taking out the offender and everything around it."
And there it was
summed up in a war analogy by a periodontist.
Everything (except for maybe the Hashimoto's) could be traced back to some sort of minor inflammation or infection that most people's bodies would deal with and move on...but not my body. My body saw an infection, any infection, and took it out like Hiroshima, leaving behind it a wave of destruction and devastation. My body warred against itself in ways I couldn't predict or control.
So, how did that "dot" end? Well after praying with us, he referred us to another dentist to try a "new" surgical laser procedure to save my teeth without completely cutting away my gums.That was just over 2 years ago. I now go and get my teeth cleaned 4 times a year for the rest of my life and am monitored very closely. They can't really tell if it has worked but are just attempting to keep as much bone as possible for as long as possible. It certainly isn't the easy, permanent fix I hoped for but
I would have to just trust God.
I DO have to just trust God.
And isn't that what all of us struggle so much to do anyways.
I know I do.
We have this illusion of control, this idea that we can prevent and plan out and prepare and predict our lives if we just do a, b and c...but the reality is we can't.
I can eat healthy, exercise, and take incredible care of my body but I can't keep myself from picking up bacterias and viruses...and I can't keep my immune system, something my body desperately needs, from becoming overactive and destroying everything in it's path.
I just can't...and neither can you.
Your battle with the illusion of control might be vastly different than mine. For you it might be finances or relationships or power or appearance or possesions or perfection or approval or intellect or even righteousness. What your battle is doesn't change the reality that in spite of your best efforts, which you should make, you are not in control...
and neither am I.
Sometimes I think God has allowed all of these ailments and issues in my life to do great things in me. It has certainly changed my story and my testimony. It has certainly given me a tenderness and understanding that didn't exist before. It has certainly increased my compassion and my witness in ways that I could not have mustered on my own.
More than anything though, it has changed the very fabric of who I am.
It has forced me to trust when I wanted to doubt.
It has forced me to continue walking when I just wanted to sulk.
It has forced me to be brave in ways I thought impossible.
It has forced me to let go of that which I can not change
in order to take hold of the One who is unchangeable.
It is the process of becoming not me
it is no where near finished
but it is worth it
