except when I can't.
Have you been there? The words just won't come. You can't find a way to form them with your mouth. Your heart rises up into your throat and prevents you from vocalizing words it knows you don't mean, words that don't ring true with your life, words that refuse to settle with your soul, words that just don't seem like worship to you at all.
Here's where I get honest. I refuse to sing just because it's in the program or on the screen. I refuse to sing just because it's a well accepted hymn or praise song. I refuse to sing just because everyone around me is singing. I just won't do it. I just can't do it. It has nothing to do with style or instrumentation. It has nothing to do with the worship leader or the light setting. That's irrelevant.
What's not irrelevant, however, is the condition of my heart and the focus of the song. I cannot mutter words that I do not mean and I cannot fain worship with words that focus on something other than the object of my worship, Jesus.
I was there recently.
We were sitting in church during the announcements and my husband received an urgent e-mail alert. He read it and then visibly looked concerned and handed me the phone. As everyone around me greeted one another and talked about the weather, I sat and read the e-mail in disbelief. It was from a missionary friend living in the Middle East. Of course living as an unashamed believer in the Middle East, he and his family are constantly in potential danger but this was different. It was about ISIS activity in a town near his. The jist of the e-mail was that ISIS was active near he and his family and they were on their way. Confrontation was probably imminent at some point in the future. Unless you have ignored the news altogether, you know that confrontation with ISIS ends in 1 of 2 ways, conversion or death. He was imploring us to intercede with fervency and urgency, on behalf of his family and all the other believers in the area. I sat there and did just that. In anguish, I mumbled through a gut-wrenching prayer, words that probably didn't even make sense. I sat there in stunned disbelief.
Just like that, the greeting was over and the music began. My 6 year old son grabbed my arm and pulled me up to standing. As the congregation began singing, my son slid in front of me and wrapped my arms around his head and neck and held my hands tightly to his chest. And then I heard the words...
I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold
I'd rather have His than riches untold
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or land
I'd rather be led by his nail pierced hands
AND I STOOD SILENT
I could not sing. The words would not come. My heart was throbbing in my throat. My son sensed something was wrong. After all, I love to sing. He looked up at me, squeezed my hands and turned his head to kiss my arm. I caught a glimpse of the sweet little freckle on his neck.
AND I STOOD SILENT
How could I sing this song?
In what seems like a world away, brothers and sisters in Christ were choosing Jesus.
AND I STOOD SILENT
How could I sing this song?
In what seems like a world away, brothers and sisters in Christ were choosing Jesus over their very lives.
AND I STOOD SILENT
How could I sing this song?
In what seems like a world away, brothers and sisters in Christ were choosing Jesus over the lives of their precious children.
AND I STOOD SILENT
How could I sing this song?
I squeezed my son. He responded by pulling my arms tighter around his neck. There I stood in my comfortable climate controlled, sound equalized, cushy sanctuary, free from religious persecution. I looked down my row, filled with my husband and children. And my mind wandered. I feel fairly confident that in the face of such persecution, I could choose Jesus for myself, but could I choose it for them. I didn't know...I don't know.
AND I STOOD SILENT
In what seems like a world away, brothers and sisters in Christ had watched their children beheaded for Jesus in front of them, boldly declaring with their very lives and their most precious gift that they would rather have Jesus than anything this world affords them.
How could I possibly sing this song?
SO I STOOD SILENT
Soon enough the song was over and I sat down. My six year olds, one on each side, cozied up next to me and started drawing in their notebooks, unaware of what children just like them are facing in what seems like a world away. I didn't hear a word the pastor preached because I prayed through that entire service...and I ached for Jesus.
CONFESSION - Now to be perfectly transparent, it isn't the first time I have stood silently as that paticular song was sung in church. Last time I stood silently, I had just returned from Haiti. While there is always some reacclimation, worship seems to be one of the hardest things to process. In general, our modern, western, christian culture is pretty posh. We live in relative luxury and comfort and ease, and so for the most part, this song is pretty irrelevant to our lives. Most of the things listed in this song that we'd "rather have Jesus than" aren't realistic choices in our lives. We don't deal in silver, gold, treasures, houses and land anymore. No one's going to offer me a kingdom and fame is fairly unlikely. So its painless and risk-free to say we'd "rather have Jesus" than things that aren't a part of our lives right now anyways. BUT God doesn't ask us to live risk-free, painless lives. On the contrary, He asks us to live lives of absolute abandonment to His will and His name and His glory. You see I can't stand in a place and sing "I'd rather have Jesus" beside a body of believers unless we are ready to put our actions where our words are and honestly let go of all of the things this world affords us...and it affords us A LOT. Just like the rich young ruler, we have a lot individually and collectively to let go of!
I believe that Jesus is greater than anything...and I believe that Jesus is worthy of everything. I believe that with every fiber of my being BUT I can't stand in my comfortable, safe, climate controlled sanctuary and declare things to be true that I know are not lived out by me individually or us collectively...so sometimes I stand in silence and that's okay. When my mouth can't form the words and my heart rises up in my throat and prevents me from vocalizing a song, just know that I am worshipping in a way that is not me at all, a deeper, more intimate way than I ever could with my voice.
****Let me be really, really clear before some of you unfriend me and send me hateful, condemning messages...I don't have anything against this song and I am sure to some of you it is a beloved hymn that you cherish deeply...please continue to genuinely cherish it but understand that I just can't. ****
