the process of becoming not me

This is the story of my journey from who I was, to who I am, to who I am becoming. It is the story of how God is weaving together my life, heart, and circumstances to make me something different altogether.

It is the process of becoming not me...



Sunday, July 11, 2010

mission me

We just returned from our youth mission trip to Atlanta, Georgia…and already I long to go back. My parents just left for a mission trip to Vermont and I’m jealous. Danny leaves for Haiti in 2 days and I long to go with him. Missions always does this to me. It happens to me every time but for some reason the last few times have left a different longing in my heart…and wonderings in my mind.


Don’t get me wrong, nothing about a mission trip with a two year old busy boy is easy. He handled the 15 hour van ride strapped in his car seat better than I did, but let’s get real - it’s less than ideal for everyone involved. I shared an air mattress with him and slept just a room away from approximately 50 teenagers. We slept when we could. We showered when we could. We ate on someone else’s schedule. Most of our day was spent either on the mission sites, work sites, or in the car. He didn’t get a nap. Of course, there were moments of meltdowns on both our parts, but it didn’t change the heart of it…or the way God used it.

Missions was in many ways so much easier before we had Matthew, but it is so much more rewarding now that we share the experience with Matthew. So I started thinking about why that is so true.

What I realized is that God has been forming a heart for loving on people in a tangible way since I was a young child and I want to do the same for Matthew. God has given me the opportunity and HUGE responsibility of raising Matthew so that he will know Him and serve Him. What better way to do that than share with Matthew the passions God is working out in and through my life and opening up to him the very heart of God. I’m nowhere near there yet. God is constantly refining my heart for people and how He wants me to live that out.

These are some of the reminders that He has given me lately…

I remember my maternal grandmother (Boomba) letting me help her make dolls, clothes, and blankets for orphan girls, all the while explaining what and why she was doing it. She had very little, but always found ways to give.

I remember her and my mom taking us to nursing homes to hug on lonely senior adults whose own families didn’t visit them. They were forgotten…but not by us.

I remember hearing stories about how people had generously (and usually anonymously) taken care of the needs of my grandmother (a single mom) and my mom when she was a kid. They always gave the credit to God and people who were obedient to His leading…and told us that we should do the same.

I remember that I couldn’t stop smiling the entire time I served meals my first time at a soup kitchen… and wishing I had smiled more.

I remember meeting the person whose habitat home we were working on and being held so tightly by her gratefulness…and realizing how ungrateful I had been.

I remember not wanting to let go of the hand of a 2 year old precious girl, who, like her mom, had tested positive for HIV…and wishing I could really comfort her for years to come.

I remember my heart racing the first time I boldly knocked on a stranger’s door and asked if I could share Christ with them…and the sinking feeling when the door slammed...but not giving up.  My part was to share...

I remember being frozen the first time a man asked me a controversial theological question…and the Holy Spirit somehow empowering me to speak.

I remember the encouragement spoken over me and to me by a missionary who saw in me the potential in Christ that I would have never seen in myself…and being forever changed by his challenge.

I remember how inadequate I felt the first time I planned a trip…and how amazed I was that God made it all work out and used me in spite of me.

I remember feeling really at home the first time I sat with a group of homeless people and actually listened to their stories and shared mine…and saddened because I’ve never felt that same way at church.

I remember crying for the salvation of a homeless man who had given up on the hope of God as I prayed for him…and I remember embracing him but not wanting to let go…His face and name are imprinted on my heart still…

I remember my heart swelling with joy as I heard teenagers speak of their experiences and their love for the lost, forgotten, and downtrodden…and wanting it to last.

I remember deciding to celebrate Christmas, birthdays, and holidays differently in a way that wasn’t about me…and enjoying it more than I ever did before.

I remember taking Matthew on his first mission trip at 3 months old…and thinking this is the life I want for him…

I remember being so frustrated that my plans for sharing Christ and ministering were not working out as planned…and being absolutely overwhelmed by God’s divine appointments.

I remember going to other countries and loving their culture more than my own…

This certainly isn’t everything God has been recalling to my mind recently. So many of the things can’t be put into words…they are faces, moments, feelings, affirmations...

I think the key to all of this is that more than anything, I want my life to be characterized by the love I have for God and the resulting love I have for people. Nothing makes me feel more in His will, loving, confident, peaceful, joyful, and purposeful than serving others physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel at home in “that” place in a world that I rarely feel at home in…

What does that mean? I think in the process of becoming not me, God is calling me to a different life than I had ever pictured. I don’t know exactly what that is, but I’m certain that it’s not the “American Dream”…and that frightens and excites me all at the same time.

All I can say right now is that I don’t want to be who I was and I don’t want to be who I am. I just long to be who God is forming me to be, which is not me altogether…