I know, I know...it's been 6 months since I wrote. They have been 6 months of uncertainty and change and yet life as "usual". Something big is coming soon...and I promise to update my blog when it comes!
But for today, I just need to share something small.
Matthew turned 4 at the beginning of March...and it seemed like almost immediately he began to struggle with life. He was easily frustrated, easily agitated, constantly emotional, always demanding and unable to handle life when he didn't get his way. For the first time, he started throwing tantrums, real tantrums.
Of course, I started looking for reasons. I asked all sorts of questions and blamed all sorts of things, including myself.
Was he just struggling because he had been sick? Was it his shots? Was he trying to process all of the upcoming changes to our family? Was I stressed out and he was reacting to that? Was I not doing enough physical activity with him or being "present" enough with him? Was he frustrated because he was trying new things on his own and sometimes failing? Was he not getting enough healthy foods, water or sleep? Was there just something wrong?
I would like to say I pondered all of these questions and instantly found an answer. I didn't.
The truth is that Matthew has always been a complicated, sensitive child in many ways. He is extremely sensitive to unexpected, loud noises (machinery, trains, even public "power" toilets) yet he plays the drums louder than anyone I know. He's painfully shy and skeptical around people he doesn't know REALLY well and will frequently hide but at unexpected times is a social butterfly and indescribably friendly and talkative. There are a "select" few in this world that he seeks and is comfortable receiving physical affection from but from those people he wants almost endless affection. When "others" tousle his hair or pick him up or tickle him, he just goes straight to fight or flight mode. (So please - don't tousle his hair, pick him up or tickle him:) If he can't get something simple done the first time without struggle, he becomes incredibly frustrated and "defeated" yet he is always wanting to try something new on his own.
To be brutally honest, I just don't get most of his quirks! For the most part, I am the exact opposite and I can't fathom anyone getting upset over these things. Loud noises are never an issue except when I'm trying to sleep. I'm an extrovert's extrovert and have never known shyness or fear of a crowd. I'm not in the least a touchy, feely person but even affection from absolute strangers doesn't phase me. (After all, my husband was a youth minister for nearly 11 years and I did teach middle school...there were LOTS of uninvited hugs!) While I am a perfectionist, I take difficulty and even failure as a personal challenge. I refuse to get frustrated, give up or say "I can't." And to top it all off, I am extremely unemotional. In fact, crying is almost foreign to me!
SO the last several weeks have been a real struggle for me as a mom and yesterday was the last straw. He threw tantrum after tantrum after tantrum over the most trivial, inconsequential things. I was so done with tantrums and I made sure he knew it...then I did what ever good mother/former teacher does, I made a chart! I picked 5 behaviors that I wanted him to work on the most and informed him that there would be a system. When he was successful, I would give him a smiley sticker to put under that column. When he failed, I would give him a plain dot that would be the equivalent of a naughty sticker. At the end of the day, we would be able to see if he had more successes or failures.
The chart was made, the plan was set, the stickers were sitting on the counter...and then God did a funny thing - He led me to the exact scripture I needed (even though I sought it for a completely different reason)...
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (2 versions)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (NIV)
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for itself. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first," doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. (MSG)
OK God, I get it...NO NAUGHTY DOTS!
So today began and Matthew asked where his chart was...I got out the chart and the smiley stickers and explained them to him again. Then he asked where the naughty dots were and my heart sank a little bit. I told him we weren't doing naughty dots and then I read him the scriptures above. I told him that God didn't keep a record of our wrongs or failures or naughtys and I didn't want to keep a record of his. There would still be consequences for bad behaviors and attitudes but at the end of the day, I wanted to celebrate his goodness. Of course, he agreed that was a good idea and so did I.
But here's the honest reality of it for me - it takes every ounce, and I mean EVERY ounce, of self control not to grab for one of those lousy dots and slap it on there when he chooses to misbehave. My human side wants him to know exactly what he's done wrong and how many times. I want a record of it so I can force him to face it the next time he misbehaves as a looming reminder. I WANT that record of wrong
BUT I want something else more...
I want my son to know that I love him for who he is and not what he does or doesn't do. I want my son to live so deeply in grace and mercy and forgiveness that as he grows up he will not hesitate to extend it to others. I want my son to know the boundless love of the Father and I realize that right now, I am the living example of that.
BUT more than anything...
I want to become so unlike the me I am that I no longer even desire the record of others' wrongs. I want more than anything to love just like I have been loved...
but I know I can't and stay the way I am so I am realizing that this is just another step in the process of becoming NOT me...
