So, I started running at the beginning of March. When I first started running, I was embarrassed...terribly embarrased. I didn't want anyone to see me running. How could I have let myself get this out of shape? Needless to say, the first week of running took place mostly in my house and backyard. I was okay with that but also knew it would never really get me into shape. I was going to HAVE to venture outside on the street where people might actually see me. Luckily, it was still daylight savings time, so it got dark early and I could run under the cover of darkness. And so I did and found that I enjoyed running in the darkness so I keep doing it. (It's also convenient since I have a 3 year old...)
For me, there is a comfort in the darkness now and it isn't just because people can't see me any longer. In the darkness, my eyes are not distracted by the great landscaping or bizarre decorations or poor condition of the roads. I don't see any of that and as a result, focus on what I can see and feel. I see the expanse of the sky clearly, often depending on the moonlight to help guide me. I actually feel the gentle (or not so gentle) breezes that seem to blow just when I need them most. I hear the sounds of nature surrounding me and marvel at it's simplistic, yet complex, melody. My mind also cannot wander off on tangents because if it did I would get lost or fall or both. I find myself looking for my next step instead of how far I have to go.
If you know me well, you know that I am often distracted by the inconsequential. Frequently, I obsess over that which others do not even notice. As a result, I miss the bigger picture or (at a minimum) the beauty of the picture. Those who know me also know that my mind is never at rest...I mean NEVER. I have trouble sleeping because I'm always thinking, always planning, always "figuring" out something. It isn't rare for me to jump up in the middle of the night to jot something down. All of this (distraction and planning) wears me out and yet I seem unable to stop except when I am running in the dark.
Running in the darkness is a complete test of trust. I can often literally not see more than a few steps in front of me. Our neighborhood is a hilly grassland filled with unpredictable wildlife, unleashed dogs, potholes and almost no streetlights. As a result, I usually run a predictable route...one I know quite well. The other day, however, I decided to challenge myself and run longer than normal. As a result, I would HAVE to take an unknown route.
Would there be any lights? Would there be any loose dogs? Would I be able to see the potholes? Would I even be able to run that long? I literally didn't know any of the answers to these questions but I went anyway and I am so glad I did. It was a good run but it was so much more!
There were times that someones security light would unexpectedly come on and illuminate my path. There were strong, cool breezes that encouraged me to keep going. There were turns, hills and potholes that seemed to come with ease to me. There were times when my lungs seemed to tighten and not allow a deep breath. There were times it was completely dark and I couldn't even see my feet...but I kept going...and I kept asking Him to reveal something to me.
On that simple run...that simple little run, God revealed so much about my faith "route" with Him...I am a planner, even in my spiritual life. I have, for more years that I care to admit, run a familiar route with God. For 10 years, my husband was a youth minister and I knew the route of youth minister's wife really well and I ran it well regardless of where we moved. Then, my huband shifted from youth ministry to missions ministry. For awhile, I had trouble finding my fit, my route, my pace...but I've been running that route/pace well for awhile now as well. The role of minister's wife within the context of church work is all too familiar to me.
In the light of that role, I find myself distracted in church work by the "landscaping" or "decorations" or "poor road conditions". I find my mind constantly planning, thinking, evaluating, anazlying and focusing on how long the road is ahead instead of just the next step. I find myself relying on myself.
Well, all of that is about to change. My husband is soon to take a job as Assistant Executive Director at a non-prof ministry and by the end of 2012 will be the Executive Director. It's not something he sought...it sought him. We are overwhelmed, challenged and compelled all at the same time. This route will be like that unknown route I ran the other night in the darkness.
Will we be able to raise support? Will we be able to sell our home? Will the living situation we hope for work out? Will we know what to do as just church members? Will I know what to do as the wife of an executive director? WHAT IS MY ROUTE? I literally don't know the answer to any of these question but we are going anyway...
And that's what God revealed to me on my unknown run in the darkness...
- Just as security lights unexpectedly lit my path, so will unexpected blessings. They already have!
- Just as breezes encouraged me to keep going, so will other believers. They already have!
- Just as turns, hills and potholes came with unexpected ease, so will troubles and obstacles. They already have!
- Just as breath continued to fill my lungs even when it was hard, so will He continue to sustain me. He already has!
- Just as I kept running when I couldn't see a thing, so I must trust Him to direct me when I can't see the wheres/hows/whys/whens. I already have...but must keep going
In the process of becoming not me, God is asking me to give up my predictable, comfortable, well worn route and exchange it for His route...and so I will run, run hard, the route He has placed before me because I know that in running this route I abandon so much of what He doesn't desire for me and gain so much of what He does.
The route may be shrouded in the darkness of uncertainty, unpredictability, and sacrifice but it is rich in the promise of life. maybe it's time you run in darkness too!
