the process of becoming not me

This is the story of my journey from who I was, to who I am, to who I am becoming. It is the story of how God is weaving together my life, heart, and circumstances to make me something different altogether.

It is the process of becoming not me...



Wednesday, October 17, 2012

the promised change

Last April, I promised that something BIG was on the horizon, something I couldn't wait to share with those I love (and those I don't even know but have chosen to read my words anyways.)  I promised something big and then I went completely silent.

Why?

Because my something BIG,
       the thing I had dreamt of,
       the thing I had envisioned over and over in my head,
       the thing I had been preparing my heart and mind for,
       the very thing I remodeled my house for
       and had seen pictures of and prayed for by name

didn't happen...it didn't come to pass...it wasn't going to be.

The BIG thing that didn't happen was that we were going to welcome 5 (yes 5) kids into our home.  We had seen their pictures, we had said their names outloud, we had prepared their rooms, and we had waited.  For almost 3 months, we waited for their files.  BUT when their files came and we read over them with tears and broken hearts, we knew almost immediately that we would not be a good match for these kids.  Even knowing that didn't make the decision easy.  For days, we agonized over it because we longed for these kids to have a family and we longed to be that family but knew we couldn't.  I cried (which I don't do) almost constantly.  I couldn't sleep.  We had been chosen and had long awaited their arrival, but we were not to be their forever family...and it tore me up.

What if no one else would take them?  What if they would end up being victims once again of a system that couldn't find them a safe forever family? Could we deal with that?  I didn't know.  I did know it happens...all the time.  Thousands of kids "age out" of foster care because they were too old or in too large of a sibling group or too troubled or broken or damaged for someone to take them.  We knew the statistics too well and we knew that saying no to these kids might mean that they would not find a home...but we still had to say no. There was no other choice.

It was almost impossible to say outloud.  I texted or e-mailed most people who knew we were expecting the 5 because I just couldn't verbalize it.  The one person I told face to face was Matthew. 

I remember vividly trying to explain to Matthew that we wouldn't be their family.  He just wanted to know why.  He didn't understand...and how could I explain it to him when I understood why but couldn't embrace all that meant?

He too had prayed for them by name for the last 3 months at every meal and every night before bed.  He too had envisioned them as his brothers and sisters.  I would hear him imaginary playing with them in his room, laughing and giggling and sharing as if they were right there.  And he so longed to be with them that he even arranged their pictures at the table so he could eat breakfast with them.  It was a loss for him too. 

For weeks, maybe even months, he would ask about them and ask why.  He asks still (although much less frequently.) He would ask if they had found the perfect family fit and I would just sigh.
  I didn't know...I still don't know.

But what I do know is that in July, we welcomed 3 kids to our family...3 kids that will be ours one day.

That, however, is a story for another day. 

and in the meantime, know that EVERY day nowadays is another day in the process of becoming not me...