I am his helpmate...
I know for some that may seem demeaning, as if I've settled for some cosmic seconds but that's not how I see it. I see it as one of the greatest honors and challenges ever bestowed upon me. When Danny asked me to marry him, I began to pray that God would make us like-minded, like-hearted, and like-called. The reality, my truth, my blessing, is that God heard the cry of my heart and answered it from the start of our marriage. It wasn't giving up my hopes and dreams and callings as much as it was fully embracing His. I didn't truly realize my hopes and dreams and callings until I fully embraced Danny's hopes and dreams and calling. Then and only then, did the picture begin to become clear. Then and only then, did He begin to reveal His next step for me, for us. And He has continued to do so. And we have continued to move in tandem. When Danny first felt called to work with youth, God simultaneously gave me a heart to do the same. We were in it together, 100%. He taught and I taught alongside him. He discipled teenage boys and I discipled teenage girls. He set forth the "big picture" and vision for events and mission trips and I laid out the details. We worked in tandem according to our complementary gifts. But then God began to stir in Danny a heart for missions and, not surprisingly, He did the same in me. Mission trips and missional living took on a new life in our hearts and our home. We began to work side by side, challenging one another in every aspect of our lives from compassion to leisure activities to finances to relational living to our very livelihood. He answered the call to become the executive director of Hope for the Hungry, a non-profit ministry that works both locally and globally, including extensive work in Haiti. I dove in head first, finding ways that I could come alongside him and ease some of his burden by using my strengths and gifts. At first it was lots of prayers and relational communication but now it is so much more than that. I am teaching and reaching and challenging and supporting and going and doing and being right alongside him and it is beautiful. God also began to stir in Danny a heart for the fatherless, something God had stirred in my heart many years prior. Now we have 4 adopted children that we parent together side by side, children we are leading to places of significant hope and healing. The work is hard but it is good and it is worth it and it is doable because, like everything else, we are in it together. God made Eve for Adam because it was not good for him to be alone...because he needed a helpmate. One of the most beautiful things about my marriage is that Danny allows me the freedom to be that helpmate. He empowers and challenges me to be and do all that God has called me to be and do. But there is something even more beautiful about our relationship...
He is my shepherd.
It sounds strange to say but truer words could not be spoken of him. If you know me, you know that I am a worker. My mind, heart, and life are filled with tasks, projects, goals, and to do lists. For "fun", I might decide to paint my bedroom, refinish furniture, build a table, work on landscaping, make something for a friend, or write a blog. Danny's joke is that I usually decide to do these things at 11pm. (It is currently 1:37 am...point proven). I cannot ever seem to have enough to do. even though my life is already quite full and busy raising 4 kids (homeschooling 1), taking care of all our ministry correspondence, writing our monthly newsletter, coordinating and leading an annual teacher training in Haiti, designing and building the ministry banquet decorations, cooking everything from scratch (hello AIP Paleo), launching an orphan/foster/adoption ministry at our church, hosting a simulcast, being on ministry leadership teams, helping teach our SS class, volunteering for Awanas, and just generally taking care of our home. I am a goal oriented, high achieving, driven helpmate. It's the way I was created and the role I crave in our relationship BUT Danny's beautiful role in our relationship is as my shepherd and that reality is most clear to me when he is out of the country and I am left to my own devices.
He makes me lie down in green pastures...
When Danny is gone, it is not uncommon for me to go to bed at 1 or 2 or 3 AM, even though I have to be up early and coherent enough to parent my 4 kids all day the next day by myself. Most people assume it's because I have difficulty falling asleep when he isn't home but that just isn't true. Sleep isn't a problem at all, being led into a place of rest is. Without him here, I attempt to do a million crazy things off of my to do list after the kids are in bed before squeezing in a few hours of sleep. BUT he is my shepherd and when he is here, he leads me to a place of rest because he knows it's what I need, it's what is healthy for me. He reminds me to slow down and just be present and breathe deeply and rest. He beckons me to rest and when he is here, I rest well by his side.
He leads me beside still waters...
I have a tendency to jump out into the rapid waters of life and just go for anything and everything when he is gone. No doesn't come easily for me. I want to do everything for everyone and I want to do it perfectly...and in doing so, I drown. BUT Danny is my shepherd and he draws me into a place of calm and helps me see clearly which things are a yes and which things are a no. Even when the yeses are not easy, as they rarely are, they are not going to drown me because the waters are still when the nos are discarded.
He restores my soul...
This one is harder to explain. Ultimately, it is God who restores my soul but I have found that He often uses Danny as the physical presence to shepherd me to that place. Probably because of the two reasons listed above, I quickly become dry and weary when he is gone. It's not in a clingy, I can't survive without him home kind of thing. In fact, most people would never even know he was gone if I didn't tell them. It's not desperation but renewal. I have found his touch, his embrace, his word, his challenges, and his prayers breathe new life deeply into my soul. My time with him often turns into a beautiful time of communion between believers where we were together, but truth be told, God used us to salve one another's very souls.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
If you know my health journey, you know that we are no strangers to the valley of the shadow of death. We've walked it. We will walk it again. Danny has been my shepherd, walking me, even carrying me, on some of the hardest roads with the most dismal diagnoses. His presence, his constant reminder of God's presence, enable me to walk those roads fearlessly. We have also traveled and ministered in some pretty shady areas, areas that were not safe to be in, areas where all logic said we should flee. Here's the truth, I have never once feared, especially when Danny was with me. He takes his God designated duty as my protector quite seriously, but more than that, he reminds me constantly that God is sovereign and that God cares more for me than even he does. He reminds me that our control over safety is an illusion and to live is Christ and to die is gain. There is no greater comfort than that.
He prepares a table before me...
When Danny is gone, I frequently forget to eat. As much as I love food, I know that sounds crazy but I just forget. I make sure the kids are fed and tell myself I will eat later but then the lists and tasks and yeses pile up...and I forget to eat. I never forget to eat when Danny is here because he is my shepherd and he quite literally prepares a table before me quite often. I may cook the meal but he usually assists in plating the food and setting the table. Other times, he cooks the food. Regardless of who cooks, he always sits down at the table and he always calls me over to do the same.
He anoints my head with oil; my cup overflows...
I run myself ragged when Danny is gone. I do not feel precious or valued or treasured. I feel utilitarian and used up. Luckily, Danny doesn't literally anoint my head with oil, BUT he is my shepherd and he symbolically anoints my head with oil by his words and actions that make me feel honored, precious, valued and treasured. Even though the work doesn't really change when he is here, the honor for that work seems to change a great deal. A kiss on the forehead and a warm embrace are a beautiful anointing and when this happens, I am no longer dry or parched. My cup overflows as he fills it with love and joy and peace and honor.
In the process of becoming not me, I have learned that I must embrace the me I am becoming as an individual but also as a wife...AND I must also embrace the me Danny is becoming as an individual but also as a husband. This is how we have been designed. This is how we fit. This is how we work and breathe and live and laugh and love.
It is my delight that
I am his helpmate and he is my shepherd.
